Word Count: ~37,200, Pairing: None
Read the Fic Here: https://www.fanfiction.net/s/5554780/1/Poison-Pen
My Thoughts: Holy motherfucking shit, this fic fucking sucks! I knew going in that it would be bad, because everyone told me so, but I was not prepared for how bad this was. So the big, important thing that I feel like I have to point out is that this fic is insanely boring. Like, I’d rather watch paint dry than read it, and speaking of dry, the writing is ridiculously boring and generic. This fic has absolutely no style at all, and this makes reading it painful. The other main issue is that the plot is awful, and it takes itself seriously. You see, this fic suffers from what I like to call “people think acting like an actual jackass to everyone in your life is the same thing as being cool, I hope you don’t treat your friends like this you idiot fucker” syndrome. Harry is such a fucking prick, and Poison Pen treats it like the coolest, most badass thing you’ve ever seen. I also just don’t buy the idea that The Quibbler could create so many changes, and I especially don’t buy the idea that only one Hogwarts teacher would draw the link between Oliver Twist and Harry. There’s also the bullshit with Lord Peter, and Harry having seats on both the Wizengamot and in the Muggle House of Lords, which might honestly be my new least favorite trope ever. Whenever Lord Peter shows up, the fic gets 10% worse and I fucking hate it. The insane thing is that this fic has literally no redeeming qualities. When I read it my eyes glaze over, and my brain turns to mush. These first 16 chapters are only 37k words long, and it took me over a week to get through. I’ve sped through oneshots of the same length in a day. Hell, I’ve read through chapters longer than that in three hours. Now, there is the slight possibility that this fic is supposed to be a parody, but if it is then it’s just not funny. Like, at all. In fact, this might be the most painfully unfunny fic I’ve ever read, and I’m very much including The Lie I’ve Lived. Ugh, it’s just….so bland. Not to mention that it also has the standard Ron, Hermione, Dumbledore bashing bullshit, which somehow makes it even worse. Finally, to top it all off, this fic’s mechanics fucking suck. There are major formatting issues all over the place, there are spelling errors left and right, the grammar’s all whack, and the sentence structure is painful. These first sixteen chapters easily fall into the dogshit tier. I’m thinking something like a 2.5/10, and it would take a fucking miracle for this fic to escape this tier. It’s very bad, and it’s one of the few fics I’ve ever read that I can honestly describe as painful to read. Unfortunately, I fucking hate myself, so I’m going to finish the damn thing and write a proper review for it. So….until next time, I suppose. Fuck Poison Pen, it’s absolute dogshit.